Unknown Speaker  00:00
Life on Earth saved by hippie fuckers loving everything and everyone. Life on Earth saved by mad scientists with wacky space ox Earth destroyed by wealthy banking families to save themselves. Hello miracles of life. Welcome to this special how to save the world fucking news. I'm strutting my stuff. Here are tonight's top stories or faces a certain future of hot, fiery death. We know this thanks to the marvelous discoveries of astronomers and scientists who dedicated their lives to the infinite road of eternal steady peace be upon them. It is an indisputable fact and An Inconvenient Truth that our son which gave life to this planet and sustains all life upon it will one day wipe us all out. Yes, in approximately 1 billion years, all life on earth will be extinguished by our sons expanding heliosphere. You can check this unpalatable fact on Google. So what are we going to do about it? In the interest of better managing our time and resources, the fucking news has narrowed our options down to three solutions presented by very different groups. Join us as we explore the options with heavy fuckers mad scientists and wealthy bankers. Hi, my name is rainbows. I love all life is sacred, and practice radiating my universal love throughout the universe every day. Love is the answer. And love is all you need. And love is not afraid. It doesn't matter, that the world will be destroyed and all life upon it incinerated our brief flowering of life. The split a moment in the infinite love of the universe, there is nowhere to escape to that is not part of the infinite love of the universe. So rather than spending our precious conscious life in the physical realm, working or struggling to save ourselves, we, the heavy fuckers of Earth, asked you to join us loving life, celebrating the exquisite beauty of all things and radiating pure love throughout the universe. Together, we will vibrate in harmony with all the energy in the universe, bringing about a state of infinite bliss, universal harmony and never ending love. Let us enjoy without fear. Let us exist without purpose. Let us be perfect without liking or disliking. Let us be happy and filled with joy. Let us each be a shining point of light and fill the Universe with our love and good vibrations. This is what the universe wants from us to be its beacons, its vessels, its children of love, all life on Earth. This but a fleeting dream, when it's over our energies with joined with a oneness of all and we will all at last be all one. Peace, love and happiness be with you. Claiming that I am Professor fearmonger research grant. I'm head of the department of plausible expenditure at the Institute of pointless preservation. We can save humanity we must save humanity and all other life on earth and we will first let us examine the problem for the sun is expanding heliosphere will cause temperature on Earth to increase beyond level at which life can exist. So we have a number of choices. Number one, cool Earth number two cool the sun. Number three leaves the earth dying with the dying and the heat. Often one offers only temporary safety since eventually the sun will actually explode. Option two is likewise only a temporary solution because of the same reasons to say exploding Sam Matt. Obviously the three option three leaving the Earth is the final solution and offers the greatest chance of success supported way by technologies that already exist and can be advanced for our own needs. We've proposed the bill build a number of space vehicles of different types type one ne the seeds. These seed probes each containing genetic material in bacterial form will be shot into the galaxy and a wide spread containing onboard sensors which will guide them to a suitable planning to see through life eventually. Like to the farmer this involves Deep Space hibernation snippy coldness for an number of groups of humans carry many kinds of sync pro farmers scour the galaxy for proto earth like planets, reading genetic material down upon them from high orbit or in some cases actually landing upon the surface of the planet and genetically engineering existing AI forms to suit our needs. Type three, the Ark vast, these vast space hubs will be self sustaining communities of Earth life, capable of avoiding through space for forever in search of new homes for their inhabitants. So if we start now, with an unlimited budget, I believe life on Earth can be saved, right life on Earth must be saved. No matter how stupid or ugly or fucked up it is, when I save the human race. Somewhere out there is another planet that we can fuck up like this one. And I believe this is what the universe wants us to do.

Unknown Speaker  06:08
Hello, I'm wealthy banker fella Mason child, a member of the Illuminati and secret ruler of earth through the New World Order. Let me begin by apologizing for the states of the earth as it is today. Many of you will have become aware that the human population has gotten out of control. And soon we will have to kill around 80% of you to protect our way of life and some other life on the planet. Course, we should have acted sooner as the elite ruling class of birth and we take full responsibility for our mismanagement of the population and the other resources on the planet. If as many of you as possible could kill yourselves in the near future, you'd be doing us and the planet a big favor, anyway, about the future. Yes, the Earth is eventually doomed. I'm sure the other solutions all have their merits. We the powerful wealthy ruling elite on Earth proposed that we accept the fact that the earth will be destroyed and embrace it, fuck the planet, fuck all life on it and fuck the humans to the universe doesn't want anything that's entirely neutral on the subject of you or anything else surviving. Having said that, I'm sure we would all agree that if by some magic, we could travel across space, looking for other places to live, we would. To be honest, though, we're not really interested in saving things. Our plan is to destroy, to consume to use it up and wear it out. Earth's resources will be plundered its habitats raped and annihilated in the search for light speed travel. You see, we don't see any point in half measures. If we can't cruise over to Rigel pop brown to Altiris or drop in on Proximus into right what's the point? So our solution in a nutshell, slavery and depression with a leaked rule of the world combined with secret funding of Lightspeed research to carry us away and leave you all here to die? Thanks once again, please consider killing yourself to help out with the overpopulation we're working on it but anything you could do would be much appreciated by well there you have it love fear or burn baby burn Place your bets both now or phone the number below is a waste your money. The future of all life on Earth is in your hands or is it? Thanks and now the weather millenia of wild speculation that futile attempts to save life on Earth with just a chance of the ruling elite fleeing the planet in a groovy flying saucer and have a nice weekend.


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