Unknown Speaker  00:02
Hello blank checks Welcome to the fucking news. I'm wildly inaccurate here are the headlines tonight best economic crisis since the 30s say bankers and bailout bandits heartwarming riches to super riches tale scum hog billionaires wins all the Oscars in the UK Jade Goody sells rights to her afterlife and pleads for more cancer profits. Our top story tonight, the global economic crisis is the best. Worst one since the 30s Z, hundreds of bankers and other members of the criminal financial organizations, many shareholders and wealthy people have had to laugh all the way to the bank and queue up for billions of taxpayers money instead of going to jail losing their jobs, homes or standards of living, though some top executives have lost their private jets and collected their bonuses bonuses. Shouldn't that be lost their jobs and not collected their bonuses? No. Oh, well, an imaginary statement made earlier today. A representative of all the untouchable financial elite left in our faces. scoffing at our stupidity and inability to understand simple economics are the scale of the fraud being looked over on us. Here's Lord Astor rocker child, the eleventy. Third, to twist the knife and spill salt in the wound.

Unknown Speaker  01:31
That Hello, landless peasants. Thanks for all bailouts. I must say I'm very pleased with the economic crisis and how our employees are being your leaders have handled it. You really are a bunch of poorly educated logograms, aren't you? I mean, first you stand by why we gambled your deposits away or lend them to buy worthless shit and lose the money. Then you pay the bill for us and let us carry on running the banks and collecting our paychecks. Jolly good. Unbelievable. You know, it was a touch and go whether we could get your handlers governments to persuade you to buy our bankrupt companies before the true size of the debt is no. But you fell for the whole credit crunch story like patsies at a fair ground stay away. That's the best crisis since the 30s. When we took over your national currencies and did away with asset by finance. Now, we're well on our way to saddling you and your children's children with all of the debts and losses we've made since deregulation in the 90s. Really, it's marvelous. I would thank you. But I'm so privileged and beyond caring about you, I'm just getting to laugh some more and have another glass of bubbly Chinchin.

Unknown Speaker  02:50
In a related story, the president of debt America, Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union speech earlier this week saying we will rebuild, we will recover and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before going on not to say the world needs a stronger bigger, better debt Merica able, once again to borrow money, it doesn't have to buy shit it doesn't need made by slaves in the tyrannical regime of China so that the few people who own most of Earth can have more of it. We need a stronger, better military more able to deal with the imaginary threat of extremism. With extremists committing acts of error against debt America and other corporations die mean countries in the undemocratic world. Ordinary peasants have been affected by the best worst economic crisis since the 30s. With many people no longer able to borrow money to buy things they can't afford. This has led to a great deal of reality in people's lives, which some experts warn could result in a global reality crisis in which people all over the Earth end up living in the real world to prevent this and for many other reasons. I am announcing plans to rebuild a bigger and better Disneyland for all of us to live in. God bless America. I mean, imaginary magical being do your imaginary magic on us. It's been Oscar time in Hollywood. And here's our entertainment correspondent Lionel Koch with a roundup of the annual schmooze fest.

Unknown Speaker  04:48
Hello wildly only one story in Hollywood tonight as one film still in the entertainment world by winning all of the Oscars in every category. Would you believe it? Yes. It's the heartwarming tale of skim dot trillionaire a classic riches to super riches tale. Scumbag follows the life of one billionaire banker as he Gamble's with and loses the collective wealth of several countries before making good his losses by hoodwinking some schmucks into buying the debt. What follows is a turnaround as tear jerking and moving as any Hollywood movie ever reminiscent of. It's a wonderful bailout life evocative of Miracle on Wall Street for the 32nd time and dramatic as your future is gone with the wind. I won't spoil the end of the movie for you but needless to say there's a whole lot of scum and a whole lot of money back to you wildly.

Unknown Speaker  05:49
Bags later Koch then the UK Jade Goody the reality TV star dying from survival cancer, who recently sold the TV rights to her marriage for an estimated three quarters of a million pounds has negotiated a much larger sum for exclusive coverage of her afterlife, unnamed media organization, Sky TV, it was reported to her paid $20 million into her heavenly bank account for the rights to go on about her even when she's dead. The exploitation of jade goodies death by various media vultures has drawn criticism from non famous people whose deaths no one cares about. J Goody herself says she only wishes to ensure the financial security of our children going on not to

Unknown Speaker  06:33
say if there's an audience of sad losers willing to watch someone else slowly die on television for their voyeuristic pleasure. If there are feckless money hungry media companies lacking the imagination to make original programs, I'm all for making a buck off them as I kick the bucket are dying of a common cervical cancer, which many women out there will die from. So please give more money to cancer research charities. It's important that we never find a cure. But hopefully an expensive treatment will be one day found enabling some drug company to keep me alive whilst paying them vast sums of money for a very long time. This is after all the way modern medicine works in it, you get sick, you stay sick, and pharmaceutical companies get rich. So please give generously and imagine how good it feels to get given the money to find an expensive cancer treatment.

Unknown Speaker  07:30
You stand to make millions from Thanks. And now the weather Mersive imaginary depression sweeping the world causing trillions in wealth transfer from hapless peasants to super rich people. Looking ahead and illusory cancer cure is still some way off thanks to the profit from endless treatment. Have a nice weekend.


Transcribed by https://otter.ai