FKN Newz 2007-03-08

Do you world order of facial hair flag beards and mustaches and conspiracy revealed. The afterlife is killing the planet. But who cares? We're all going to heaven anyway.

In the UK Gordon Brown returns for meeting President Bush and declares he really is that stupid. Welcome to the fucking news. I'm off the cuff. Here are tonight's headlines.

An evil conspiracy to rule the world by people with facial hair has been uncovered by an intrepid reporter on YouTube. The conspiracy was discovered by tracking down all of the evil people in history and discovering that they all had facial hair of course this leads one to conclude that Oh, evil people have facial hair and all people with facial hair are evil. Yes, throughout history since the dawn of time, people with facial hair, beards, mustaches and the eyebrows.

Don't think we're forgetting you have been attempting to rule the entire world with utopian or dystopian politics of one flavor or another. And Moses comes down from the mountain with 10 commandments of for the patiently haired people all the promised land, we will all have beards and do as the bearded Lord says or else considering the evil of people throughout history. Moses, Jesus Ming the merciless gagis?

Can Karl Marx Trotsky? Hitler? Stalin, Mao Tse to? Castro, Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden?

Every man jack of boom facially haired Yes. there is no doubt about it a conspiracy by the mustache the bearded people Abarth has been going on for centuries to enslave the clean shaven among us into their nightmare world to a nightmare world of not shaving and doing as bearded people say. If only that were true, would it be great? Wouldn't it be great if it was that easy?

Fei Jie, all the evil people have got beards, kill them, kill them. Hang on a second. I may just go and shave. Yes.

Will it make life so simple? If we could identify all the evil fuckers by some simple trait or another book? That one's got a mustache? He's a little bit evil.

Yes. Wouldn't that be great? I'd be so relieved. By comparison.

Of course all the clean shaven people who are perfectly good, simply kind of non evil people. Those who shave their faces are the good ones. Let it be wrote down and spake forevermore for it is so said the intrepid journalist from YouTube. Yes, it is the bearded among us who are evil, seek them out and kill them, let us bludgeon them to death and be riddled with the hairy ones forever and ever.

And while we're at it, let's seek out those with spots, blemishes and unsightly nasal hair because they're on their way to being evil. I can tell and I should know I've spotted a few evil people in my time. And so from now on, that's a sole promise to only elect cleanly shaven people with good families who haven't been divorced and who don't have their fingers in the till water logo fucking shite are some of enlightened he was really evil.

He had such a huge beard. You could tell he was bad. Just from the length of his beard. Karl Marx.

What was he thinking? Beard all the way out here. Evil that evil bad. In other news, the afterlife is killing the planet.

And something must be done about it says it says a new report just out. In the report. Researchers claim that people who think they're going to live forever and go to heaven are responsible for the destruction of the rainforest. The overfishing Of The Seas, global warming, and not recycling their rubbish enough.

That's right. There's a whole bunch of people wondering about the planet going. I'm going to live forever. Fuck the planet.

Fuck you all. I'm only here for seven years then I'm fucking off to somewhere with eternal ice cream. Well, yeah, that's me with my big exhaust fucking up your atmosphere. I don't care Gods on my side.

Yeah, that's me killing you fucking unbelievers. I don't know about you, but I'm going to heaven. And to qualify for this mythical life everlasting and some cloudy, backlit place above with heavenly music choirs. 72 Virgins or eternal icecream whichever story you've been sold, all you have to do is do what God says. While you're on earth.

You don't have to be good, why you can even kill people and drop bombs on them and you'll still go to heaven. Better still join the faith that forgives you just as you're about to die.

Oh Lord, forgive me. I've been an evil fucker. I have killed and stolen and lied and cheated and corrupted others. Forgive me Lord and Let me live forever beside your router.

That's fine. Come on in plenty of room for you evil fuckers who did when I said, Yes, you can be an evil fucker ruin your planet and still live forever with a God of your choice. Just use everlasting life and fucking up your planet. Think of the future generations of children who will be arriving on planet Earth.

Oh, look, here's one who's just arrived. This little baby can look forward to 75 years old fucking up this planet. So his children and his children's children can live on a fucked up planet as well. safe in the knowledge that they're all going to live forever in some fantasy place with eternal ice cream and virgins. Whoo, won't that be great?

Shame lead planet though. Fuck, fuck the rest of the life forms on Earth. They're not human so we don't give a fuck. They're not even Catholic, or Jewish or Muslim.

Or whatever your ism is. They're not fuck the Beatles. Fuck the trees, fuck the fish. I'm a human and I believe in everlasting life.

So I'm going to fuck the planet up. You can all fuck right off. Now in a totally unrelated story, Gordon Brown has returned from America where he met President Bush for the first time since he became prime minister. Gordon Brown did not say upon his return.

The special relationship between Britain and America is still as important as ever, and no solution to world peace, or the Middle East problems can be found with America on either side. However, it was a different story when he returned home and we can exclusively reveal his conversation with Tony Blair upon arriving home at Downing Street. All Tony? Yeah, I've gotten there.

I've just come back from I'm Anika. Yeah, that's right. I met President Bush. He's a fucking idiot.

Tony, what the fuck were you thinking? The man has a congenital buffoon. I'm not joking. The thought that this man has his finger on the nuclear button scares me fucking shit.

Us. Oh, my God. See? See that thing he did with a golf club buggy?

See if I'd been in Scotland at a saint. I'm not writing his fucking pass out there yet, Tony. You. You're a fucking idiot as well for having anything to do with him.

What were you thinking? No, Tony. No, no, no. I didn't roll my sleeves up and promise to give him the family Silva.

Thanks. And now the weather of planets in the hands of a bunch of evil stupid fuckers who think all they've got to do is impress God and live forever and fuck the consequences here on Earth. Or the planets ruled by a group of bearded people who want us all to not shave forever. Only you can stop them rise up now.

Rise up now shave off your beards and lift for the day here on planet Earth. You have been watching the fucking news by dig Jackson. Tune in next week to discover how it's still fucked up and nobody's done anything about it.