FKN Newz 2007-03-23
Top quotes
“My question now is what the fuck for New Britain?”
“Am I paying the government for the fact that they take money off me?”
“Day to you be birthday do or Happy birthday to you?”
“What would you like to be when you grew up?”
Transcript
Hello landless peasant slaves. Welcome to the bucket news. I'm cautiously optimistic. Here are tonight's headlines.
Now I'd like you all to join with me now and singing Happy Birthday to a dear friend of mine. Day to you. Day to you be birthday do or Happy birthday to you? Yes it's what interacts for birthday this week celebrations have been going on all over the world for larger wrap for this week as his traditional had a birthday party.
We present you one your next birthday cake. It's the oil revenue from the Middle East. It's a big cake and you and your friends could stuff your faces with Saudi Arabia they can have a big slice of Britain they can have not such a big slice off. America can eat all of the cake looks like Warren directs birthday cake sure tastes good.
Happy birthday. What would you like to be when you grew up? Gee, I'd like to be global nuclear Armageddon, sir. global nuclear Armageddon. isn't bad.
The Liberals dangerous. He's just a young boy but he's into everything. What a scoundrel. Presidents have been arriving from all over the world.
America sent 25,000 New Action Man, Iran sent a few secondhand RPGs word we know you're only a small boy but I quite liked your toy soldiers persona just showed you like to play with through an expandable, you don't mean anything to me who I can kill, or set fire to or strike fireworks to those kinds of soldiers. While I'm sure there's some on their way right now, Laura, and another president for the war in Iraq.
It's 15 British Marines gift wrapped for George Bush to launch an attack on Iran, justified by their unfair treatment of the men and women of Great Britain. Your Majesty spokesman for Great Britain didn't say we thank the Iranians for giving us and the Americans this excuse to escalate our desire for war with that and making our job of justifying bombing men that much easier. We hope these soldiers are mistreated, perhaps even killed I'm sure President Bush would like nothing better than to respond on behalf of his ally with overwhelming military response 500 cruise missiles for the forthcoming attack on Iran.
In the UK. Gordon Brown gave his last budget speech as Chancellor of the Exchequer before the leadership contest which may see him become prime minister of Britain but not before Tony Blair presides over a brief military adventure in Iran the budget every year in the budget in Britain they tell us how much things are going up but this is going up and that's going down. I'd like to see what they're spending the fucking money on.
This much on guns and bombs and war this much on doctors and hospitals and schools. We all pay taxes to the government. My question now is what the fuck for New Britain? We have to pay for our water.
I pay for my water I pay for my house I pay for my food. Welcome back. Am I paying the government for the fact that they take money off me? Oh, bigger tanks warships or nuclear missiles larger limos sharper suits?
Fuck then I want my money back. So here's my fucking budget. The price of beer will be going up so all the drunken skinhead violent thugs because I can't afford it anymore and you can stay at home and eat pizza fuck you. The price of petrol will be going up and 500 pounds a gallon so if you don't take the bicycle to work and stop poisoning my fucking air fuck you.
Yeah, the price of wine will be going up to all you middle class Buckers can stop sitting around at night thinking everything's okay with the world because we've had two glasses of Chardonnay. Back here. Investment in schools, roads, hospitals will be going up and spending on guns, bombs, nuclear submarines and other dangerous things will be going down. Fuck you.
All spending on military equipment will cease all military spending will be cut to nothing we will have no air force and no fucking army back you. Anybody who wants to come here and take over. Feel free. Our government sucks.
You can't be any worse. Come on in. I've said the army Oh drugs will be legalized for tax, therefore for getting the mafia out of business and raising billions of pounds for the exchequer which will spend on schools and hospitals, roads and care for the elderly. I'm sensing a theme here.
Fuck you. All spending on the royal family will cease relieving the British people of the need to pay these evil Nazi funders who've been lording it over us for 1000s of years any more money The land will be repossessed from them and the aristocracy. Oh, fuck you. It's the fuck you budgets.
Yeah. Thanks. And now the weather. The planet is fucked.
It's getting worse and it's your fault. Tune in next week when the fucking news will be coming live from surface fantastical somewhere in Scotland.
Themes in this episode
Analysis essay
This episode lands directly on two major March 2007 stories: Iran’s seizure of 15 British Royal Navy personnel near the Shatt al-Arab waterway, and Gordon Brown’s final Budget as Chancellor before his expected move into Downing Street. The Iraq War “surge” was also underway, with Bush sending more than 20,000 extra U.S. troops into Iraq, so Deek folds the British sailors into a larger fear that Iraq was becoming the staging ground for war with Iran. The “birthday” conceit seems to refer to the Iraq War turning four years old that week, with the cake made of Middle Eastern oil revenue and shared among America, Britain, and Saudi Arabia.
The parody is a grotesque children’s-party news bulletin: Iraq is imagined as a spoiled child growing up into “global nuclear Armageddon,” given toy soldiers, RPGs, captured British marines, and cruise missiles. That childish framing mocks the infantile language of official war propaganda: “supporting the troops,” “standing by allies,” “responding firmly.” His Gordon Brown budget rant then attacks the sterile ritual of fiscal announcements, where small changes to tax, beer, wine, and petrol stand in for the much larger question of why ordinary people fund war, policing, state pomp, and elite comfort.
The recurring FKN themes are all here: empire as organized theft, oil as the real motive, politicians as servants of a war machine, and taxpayers as “landless peasant slaves.” There is also the familiar anti-consumerist split: he attacks drunken working-class violence, complacent middle-class wine culture, and petrol addiction alike. The episode is less “news summary” than ideological x-ray: beneath birthday cakes, budgets, and diplomatic outrage, Deek sees the same structure—banksters, militarists, monarchs, and media turning public money and public fear into war.