FKN Newz 2006-12-22
Top quotes
“Why do you suck at celebrating that?”
“How are you going to celebrate my birthday? an orgy of fucking indulgence destruction of the planet to the max more plastic than a Chinese factory could handle in a year?”
“Why do you suck at celebrating my birthday?”
“Are people from other countries coming here and taking your jobs?”
“What's the Dyslexic serial killer joke?”
Transcript
Hi, welcome to the fucking news. I'm the baby Jesus. Here are tonight's headlines. You all suck at celebrating my birthday.
I lived a life of love, forgiveness, humility and freedom of possessions and material goods. Why do you suck at celebrating that? How are you going to celebrate my birthday? an orgy of fucking indulgence destruction of the planet to the max more plastic than a Chinese factory could handle in a year? Why do you suck at celebrating my birthday?
Let's all spend all the money we don't need on stuff we don't need making people who've already got stuff even more fucking money. What a great idea. It's Christmas time. There's no need to be afraid.
No, actually there is be afraid. Be very afraid. Be afraid of poverty. Are people from other countries coming here and taking your jobs?
It's Christmas time. Yes, be afraid. Be afraid of poverty. Be afraid of people from other countries be afraid of Iran's nuclear program.
Be afraid of fundamental Christians in the White House. In the UK, the news is fog and dead prostitutes for the international community was wondering what's so important about fog and dead prostitutes. I couldn't tell you but that's the news. What's the Dyslexic serial killer joke?
Prozis under the trees What do you call a suicide monkey? A baboon? I am the baby Fucking Jesus. My dad.
God. He slaved for 13 and a half billion years making this planet and all the life on it. Now you human monkeys aren't busy doing your best to destroy it. Merry Christmas.
Enjoy Christmas Day One more day than 50 species go extinct. That's right. celebrate my birthday with more useless destruction of the planet to feed your own slavish bovine consumers desires not that you need any of the shit you're gonna get on Christmas day anyway. I'm the baby Fucking Jesus. No wonder I haven't come back for a second coming.
I'm not coming back until you've all got nothing and you're happy with it. Okay, so if you're waiting on the second coming, it ain't happening while Chanel and Toshiba are advertising their cheap fucking wares on your plasma screens. I can tell you that for sure. Yeah, no second coming while your fucking chrome gear Sri injection sabse retooling up and down the motorways, full of salesman shifting plastic crap from China, where the children weren't for a handful of rice a day and those are the lucky ones.
Merry fucking Christmas. voiding Sukkot celebrating my birthday. Okay, thanks. Now the weather. The planet is swamped.
It's your fault, and it's getting worse. Have a nice new year.
Themes in this episode
Analysis essay
This episode is a Christmas special built around late-December 2006 British news and the annual collision between Christian symbolism and consumer capitalism. The “fog and dead prostitutes” line points to two major UK stories that week: severe fog disrupting Christmas travel and the Ipswich serial murders, in which several women working as prostitutes were found dead. Internationally, the usual fears remain in the background: Iran’s nuclear program, immigration panic, poverty, and the Bush administration’s Christian fundamentalist image.
Deek’s main parody is the Baby Jesus as enraged newsreader. The joke is that modern Christmas celebrates the exact opposite of Jesus’s supposed values: humility, love, forgiveness, poverty, and freedom from possessions are replaced by debt, plastic, advertising, Chinese factory labor, and planetary destruction. He also mocks sentimental charity-pop language — “It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid” — by replacing it with the real emotional engine of modern politics and media: fear of immigrants, poverty, Iran, and religious extremists in power.
The recurring FKN themes are anti-consumerism, ecological collapse, anti-religion, labor exploitation, media distraction, and human self-destruction. The show’s usual “planet’s fucked” weather gag becomes the whole sermon: every Christmas Day is another day of mass extinction. Jesus refuses the Second Coming not because humanity lacks faith, but because it is too attached to Chanel, Toshiba, plasma screens, motorways, and Chinese-made junk. As often with Deek, the profanity is doing moral work: stripping away the polite glow from a holiday economy built on waste, debt, fear, and outsourced suffering.