FKN News 08 31 07

asshole shortage threatens world peace President Bush ready to be a bigger asshole 10th anniversary at Princess Diana shagging a Muslim then dying mysteriously. permafrost melts in Siberia and Alaska forest fires rage and grease. Car sales rise in China. Hello complacent masses. I'm sick and tired.

Here are tonight's headlines. A global shortage of assholes is threatening to plunge the world into crisis and conflict says a new study by the Intergovernmental Panel for asshole development. In just the last 12 months we have lost many leading assholes said its spokesperson in an exclusive interview with fucking news. Look at the list of assholes who've left politics.

Tony Blair Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Grove Gonzalez, and perhaps soon Pakistan's President Musharraf and Russia's President Putin. Where will we find more assholes to fill the shoes of these eminent Angel splinters? The consequences of these losses are being felt most severely in the White House. With so few assholes left the shit is building up and overflowing from every orifice of the American government.

It takes all of George Bush's skill as an orator and statesman to disseminate and articulate this shit. As can be seen from his most recent speech on Iraq, during which he didn't express the following sensible foreign and domestic policies. Three, it was a big mistake invading Iraq and we made a mess of the post invasion period on and we call upon all the neighboring countries of Iraq, to help us bring peace and stability kitchen to Iraq and the region as a whole.

To this end, I am ordering our troops to leave as soon as possible. I am withdrawing our military support for Israel until it reaches a settlement with the Palestinian people. We are sponsoring sanctions against Pakistan, Kuwait and Saudi Arabia until they hold full, free and fair democratic election filings and at home. I am cutting spending on defense to invest in our children's education and health care for all these ill thought out policies and rash words are no doubt the result of the asshole shortage.

The American people must stand firm and weather the storm until more assholes step forward and propose more profitable, corporate backed murderous, stupid foreign and domestic policies. Until then, we can only hope and pray that George Bush is capable of being an even bigger asshole that is at the moment, perhaps bombing Iran arming some more unelected evil regimes and plunging the taxpaying peasants of America further into debt to the few wealthy banking families who own everything anyway.

More on that story later, in the UK, the anniversary of Princess shag me your ugly bisexual Biggie or the heir to the throne I'll do anything to be queen Diana's death. Many people are not tired of the world's media forming over the fake invented memory of this to timing adulterous, Who Shagged her way out of the royal family while spawning Prince Harry who's not a bastard honestly, he's not a bastard.

A woman who was happy to let the heir to an undeserved throne porker, with his Nazi family sees a dyed in the wool over aristocratic womb on legs. who spread them for some flaccid old man happy to gestate and keep upon the world another generation of unelected super rich tyrants of fake memory to be endlessly lied about by the faceless corporations and their slavering lying lapdogs. the mass media who Diana milk she touched the poor peasant with AIDS.

Ooh, yay. Yes, just before being chauffeur driven back to her life of luxury castles, pins and servants for every need. Ooh, I'm impressed. She's so nice.

She's what an unelected ruler of the earth shouldn't be like she wasn't a good person. She was a self serving aristocrat who wanted to be queen so badly. She married a bumbling old man and submitted to his sperm donation. I no longer care if she was murdered, or if the crash was an accident.

Hey, it's good enough for me. She's dead. It's one less horsey privileged land feeding member of the ruling elite to wish away fuck them. Fuck them all.

If you were wondering what did happen that night in Paris long ago, the footage from Paris CCTV would help Oh, I forgot it's missing. Yes. 30 cameras covering the root of the car through Paris but no footage from any of them. What a fucking surprise. You I bet somewhere there's a cupboard with all the missing CCTV footage from the world's greatest mysteries, but the keys are missing.

Inside is footage of a cruise missile hitting the Pentagon as seen from the missing garish cameras, subway CCTV of John shadows de Menendez being assassinated by British Secret Service. JFK A shot from the grassy knoll and flying saucers landing on the moon not to forget, die and Dodi's car being forced off the road by a white fit. With the Queen hanging out the window firing a luger and screaming di hor die or die Hall die.

I'd love to see all of that, wouldn't you. And finally, the permafrost of the Alaskan Arctic and Siberia is melting. As it does so billions of tons of greenhouse gases are being released. I'm stripping the gases caused by human activity and speeding the global warming we started.

Much of the gas released this methane, which is 20 times worse than co2 is a greenhouse gas and will accelerate climate change on Earth, large areas of earth will become desertified Agriculture and Life will become unsustainable on much of the globe, fires will rage unchecked across the temperate regions. As the changes wreak havoc with a fragile civilization of humans. The oceans will become increasingly acidic, leading to accelerated extinction in the oceans in parallel, with a mass extinction happening on land, which is now recognized by scientists as the largest since the dinosaurs and has been given the name the Holocene extinction event.

You see, it's not so scary now we know what to call it. billions of humans will be displaced by these changes, and many of them will die as a result, the Arctic ice will melt sea levels will rise and most of the major cities on earth will be destroyed by flooding within 100 years, millions of refugees will wander homeless from place to place dying slowly as they do. Rich elites will grab what's left of Earth and make the survivors their subjects ruled by fear force and another complicit middle class issued with guns and a slightly bigger ration for shooting you in the face. worms will feed on the remains of humans as nature takes its course and balance is restored.

Meanwhile, car sales are up and consumer growth in the UK is on target for 3%. And the last quotes are Bollywood movies about giant robots keep us entertained, and 1 billion slaves under the unelected tyranny of the Chinese mafia continued to produce cheap plastic crap of every description. So the destruction of Earth is not without a purpose. Banks now the weather the planet sparked it's your fault and it's getting worse.

Have a nice weekend.